July 9, 2006

Back on the wagon

I had a dream where I was stuck in a bathroom stall. No, the door wasn't locked--I was physically stuck. It was small, with wooden doors, and I had to twist and push and pull myself into a position on the floor before I could slide out. This is actually a recurring theme with me, getting stuck in places because I'm too big either weight wise or height wise. Very strange...Though it does replace the other themed dream I used to have. Paper, pens, books, rulers...etc...flying around the room trying to attack me. *Shakes head*

I bought seven movies for $40.00 yesterday at Blockbuster. Not many places you can get semi-new movies for five bucks! The first one I watched was The Producers. It wasn't as funny as the musical itself--which I found odd, but it was worth it just to see Wil Farrell he was hilarious! Uma did a good Ulla too. LOL

The rest of the movies and why I bought them:

Hitchhikers Guide-Had to have it, great movie!

Bridget Jones 2-I like the first one.

Suspect Zero- It sounds cool.

Fantastic Four- Jessica Alba is in it, and I already own Daredevil, which was just as bad.

Chicken Little- It's Disney, I have every Disney DVD. (Original movies not sequels)

Hotel Rwanda- I've heard very good things about this one.

Next weekend I'll probably go out and buy some new-new movies when I get paid.

I really need to get back to writing. I gave myself a week off after my last class, but it's been more than that already. I guess I'm not sure I want to work on the piece I outlined because it seems like so much work...and I still don't have a name for the main character. That bums me out. I’ll get over it though. I had fun at the write_away challenge, I just need more motivation. I know I shouldn't need pushing or motivating, but sometimes I do. But it's not easy when you live alone, and not many people really care if you're writing or not.

I should go out and do something.

I should clean my house.

I should finish reading the book I'm currently working on.

I should write something...

I should join the Peace Corps.

I probably won't do any of that. I'll just loaf around the house maybe watch another movie or two, get something to eat, play my game later tonight, watch the news or cartoon network and go to bed. Such an exciting life I lead.

I'll just sit here and wait for tomorrow to come so I can go back to the grind and work for the man. You know people always say they'd go back in time and do it all over again if they could, and I've often said I would never be the type of person to say that. "What if" can take up a whole day if you wonder about it too much. I know that where I am right now is mostly my own doing. I know I could have had it easier, but then again I know it could have been worse. Much worse. So I try not to "what if" and just go with what I have. I've been trying very hard not to let things effect me like they did when I was younger. It seems to be working, but then again I think I'm so numb that nothing would bother me anymore. There's no reason to dwell on what you can't change. You can accept it and support it, but if you can’t change it--well, you can’t change it. One shouldn't get their panties in a bunch over troubles with love, money, family, or friends because it's not the end all be all of life.

Sure, just like everyone else, I've been hurt, scarred, beaten down--figuratively and literally--over the years but my heart and mind are so use the disappointment that I expect it now. Cynical and pessimistic, yes. A way of shielding oneself? Yes, probably. But there are only two guarantees in life, growing old and dying. As for everything else, I don't get my hopes up anymore. It's fun to dream and wonder what might be. It's nice to talk about what I would do if I could write for a living, make some good money at it, and take care of the people I love, but in reality it may never happen. It would be nice to find my match in a guy. Someone who’ll really ‘get me’. Again, that may never happen. It would be nice to have friends and family with no angst or drama. Yeah, right, like that would ever happen. Life is drama. Does that mean I'll give up? Nope, not in this lifetime--because I only have one. I'll keep going. I'll be optimistic once in a while. I'll keep dreaming. I'll work hard. I’ll try. I’ll be there. And no matter where I end up, I'll still have a smile on my face because at least I know that I did the best I could, changed those aspects of life that I was able, and accepted what I can’t.

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