July 3, 2006

Brian

On June 15th my brother would have been 25 years old. June 16th my sister turned 21. He was three years old when he died, and my sister was born the following year, the day after his birthday.

They were 11 months from meeting each other.This is Brian dressed up for the Halloween before he died. This costume fit him perfectly; he was a little troublemaker just like Bam Bam.


I've previously written about what happened when my brother died. http://jennafern.livejournal.com/58205.html Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that it actually happened that way, but it did, and I can still see it in my head clear as day.

So, I went to visit Brian and left behind a little stuffed dog on his Teddy Bear gravestone. My mother has, in the past, asked me to buy balloons saying Happy Birthday or something with He-Man or another one of the favorite characters he liked. I did, because she wanted me to, but for some reason...I just don't like doing that. I guess I don’t think of it as a “Happy” birthday anymore. It just feels wrong. Flowers are fine, little toys or other fun things are okay too. Balloons just don't feel right to me. I brushed off the deposits left behind by feathered friends, brushed some of the crappy grass away from his plot, and then looked for a four-leaf clover in the small patch that sprung out nearby. I didn’t find one.

My bro called me while I was there, but I didn't tell him where I was. I had a feeling if I did it would just distract him while he was working. After I hung up, I whispered, "I miss you," and felt tears welling up in my eyes as I walked away. They didn't fall though; I would have liked it if they did. It's been a while since I've cried. Oh, I've cried plenty about loosing Brian over the years, it does get easier. It becomes a dull pain after a while but it never goes away. I know somehow it's made me a stronger person.

Bro told me he brought flowers and took his girlfriend there for the first time. He also said it was the first time he's been there since moving back to NJ. Six years I think. I asked him if he cried. He said yes. I said good, I'm glad you did, then I kissed his shoulder and rubbed his back. But I am glad he cried. I was ten and bro was seven. It’s definitely not easy to lose a sibling at such a young age. Not to say losing a sibling at any age is easy, but I think it has more of an impact when you're young because you don't fully understand it and sadly, as a kid you are overshadowed by the tragedy. I remember my family being supportive and talking with us. I think we went to counseling afterwards, but I always worried about my bro more than myself, because Brian was his best friend. I know it's hurt him much more than it has me because he was younger and they were brothers. There's a different bond between a brother and a sister and brothers. It's just different.

There have been weird times in my life when I'd be thinking about Brian and one of his songs would come on the radio. Those songs are "Rosanna" by Toto, "I Love Rock and Roll" by Joan Jett, and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cindi Lauper. Yeah, that usually freaked me out, and my mother would always tell me it's because he's watching over us. I was really hoping one of those songs would have come on the radio as I drove away, but it didn't. I thought about calling the radio station and have them play it, but I knew it wouldn’t make me feel any better, so I decided not too.

I have a feeling he'd be just like my other brother and I. He'd be totally stoked about the Transformers movie and would have the entire He-Man collection on DVD. I'd like to think he'd share other similar interests. I still wonder what he'd look like. One year, I was going to find a place to do one of those age progression things like they do for missing kids. I thought maybe my mother would like that, but after more thought, it probably would be too painful so I never went through with it.

I'm still glad I had him in my life for three years. He gave us a plethora of great stories to tell and remember him by. I still carry some deep painful secrets about him; one of which I'm not even sure the participant remembers, but I do, and I've never brought it up because I know it would just be horrific if I did. So, I keep it with me, knowing I'll probably never tell anyone and keep it in the back of my head until I'm dead and gone.

Still, I have my sister. Though we're not quite as close as I thought we'd be as we got older, I love her and know she loves me. She's a great chick and I'm lucky and glad that I have her in my life. Having her around when I was a teenager was definitely an experience. When she was three years old, I watched her like a hawk. I was so protective of her it wasn't even funny. I was like some mad paranoid 14 year old, watching every single thing she did when she was around. Honestly, I'm still like that with little kids, almost to the point of annoying the shit out of the kids parents because I'm like..."Close that thing, what about the kids," "What are the kids doing?" "You shouldn't have this thing hanging out here, what about the kids" "Have you seen so and so" (after they've been gone for like two minutes). I was the same way with my nephew, still am sometimes. I'd take him to the movies when he was 9 or 10 and he'd have to go to the bathroom and wanted to go alone and I was like "Hell No" and stood outside waiting for him. Maybe that means I'll be a good parent one day, I'm not sure, but I can't help being paranoid and cynical when it comes to kids. I watch too much TV and know there are way to many sicko people out there.

More June birthday's are coming up after Father's day, Mom #2 and one of my very close friends who I kinda consider Mom #3. This is the month I loathe because I always wind up broke by the end of it. Bleh.
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