August 31, 2006

Fuck you, life.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I began making changes in my life so that things would get better. I lost some weight, did a ton of writing, went back to school and actually got a degree, changed jobs and what do I have to show for it...a dwindling savings account and a frightening realization that I make a horrible adult.

I got fired twice in one year. Gained back some of the weight I lost. I do have a degree, but it's crap at best. And of all places, Harlequin turned me down.

This is why I'm a cynical bitch. I always wanted to believe in fairy tales or happy endings. As a child of the 80's and the beginning of the VCR generation, watching those fucking Disney movies always had a way of making my heart swell with joy seeing everyone get what they deserved in the end (which was actually the beginning of something "wonderful and new" for them in actuality).

For me though, there is no happy ending. I must be cursed. Maybe I did something horrible in a past life.

Sure, I know people who've had it far worse than I can even comprehend, but it's not like I haven't worked my ass off over the years trying to be a contributing member of society. I started working at 14 years old. At times, I've had two jobs just to pay the bills. I've never committed any serious crimes. (I was a teenage shoplifter for a while.) I've never taken advantage of anyone. I've always tried to look out for my friends and family despite any past tension there might have been, and there were plenty. I've given and given and given and given. And even now, I'm still waiting for that "comes around" part.

I've always hoped I would be one of those people who would actually catch a break. Ha! Cynical bitch gets nothing.

I read a few books this week Star Doc two and three (each in a day because I just couldn't seem to do anything else) and Hard Rain (Great character, I'll be buying more...one of these days) and watched High School Musical (cheesy cute), Silent Hill (did the game justice until the end...what was that about?), The Sentinel (Jack Bauer in a suit, but it was decent), and spent a lot of time in bed because well the weather changed again so that means I got sick, like normal.

I've sent out about twenty resumes and the two places I interviewed at last week don't want me. I guess I don't blame them. Maybe they saw though my fake smiles and lies. "Yes, I love doing payroll!" Yeah, just like I enjoy hot nails in my eye sockets.

A friend of mine said I need a change. O.o What? After all the changes I've made...to land me in this hell of an existence I'm currently living, why the fuck would I want to make another change?

Though, selling off everything I own and disappearing like Jack Reacher is starting to sound like a good idea.

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