Week in review...with lots of B's.

Birthday:

Jenn’s birthday wasn’t too bad this year. I got a crap load of comments on myspace. That was nice. My new TV is beautiful. We watched American Idol on Tuesday and could see all the dust in the background, everyone’s face clearly, and even those people who were a bit oily jumped right out at you. LOL. HD is awesome.

Books:

I finished book #12.

Here is the amazon blurb:

The debut novel of Lian Hearn's Tales of the Otori series, Across the Nightingale Floor, is set in a feudal Japan on the edge of the imagination. The tale begins with young Takeo, a member of a subversive and persecuted religious group, who returns home to find his village in flames. He is saved, not by coincidence, by the swords of Lord Otori Shigeru and thrust into a world of warlords, feuding clans, and political scheming. As Lord Otori's ward, he discovers he is a member by birth of the shadowy "Tribe," a mysterious group of assassins with supernatural abilities.


I’m not sure how I feel about this book. There were parts of it I really enjoy, and other parts I ended up skimming over because it was boring. The author described the setting and scenery very well. At times, I could imagine myself in Japan, looking at the devastation left behind from a storm. Some of the characters were very interesting, others were just silly. Perhaps, because this is the first book of a series, it wasn’t that interesting and it fell a little flat. I was expecting more action and thrills from something about a clan of hidden ninja types and samurai warriors. Kouga Ninja Scrolls, it is not.

At this point, I have no desire to read the rest of the story. I can pretty much get the gist of it from all the foreshadowing done in this book. Eh. Shame.

I’m on book #13, Man Down, by John Douglass. He a former FBI profiler whose idea for a special branch of the FBI was stolen by Criminal Minds. He’s not the best fiction writer out there, but I like his easy going and quick read style.

I bought a Harlequin for Book #14. I’ll probably get to it next week. Unless I read it on Sunday. # 15 is a pick from one of my myspace friends: Mark David Gerson. I ordered his book last week. Should be here soon!


Boob tube:
I’ve got a new Smallville and Supernatural to watch, LOVED Survivor, and LOST. I’m kinda surprised at Idol, but then again, and I’ve said it plenty, young girls make up the majority of the audience, so of course the cute boys are going to stay! Duh. Once it gets down to four, it usually takes a sharp turn and people start voting for the talent they want to keep. I, like everyone else, thought both girls were great last night. Jason should have gone home; he’s more or less singing the same type of songs every week. Boring, slow, and he needs to get the hell off that stool. Man. He did so much better when he was singing Sting and standing. Right?

I’m sticking with David Cook still. When he hit that high note last night, I was happy for him. He’s got a great voice and he might actually be the first Idol to make me go out and buy the CD.

Survivor was great this week. Stupid Jason. What an idiot. Rule number 1 of Survivor, don’t trust anyone. Jeez. The girls are smart, I will give them that. James and Amanda could have turned the game easily and did no such thing. Pity, they might have made it more interesting.

I loved love loved LOST this week. Ben is one sick, twisted, scary mother fucker man. Trying to understand that guy is so simple and complicated all in the same thought and it freaks me out. There are some fun theories going around about what happened in that room behind the wall. Hehe. I love this show.

So You Think You Can Dance starts in a month! I love this show, I’m glad it’s back for another year.

Book writing:

Well, I sent out eight snail mail query letters. My update is as follows.

Queries sent: 102
Rejections: 48
Partials requested: 9
Partials rejected: 8

I’m going to resend queries to some of those email agents ones that never responded. I want to find maybe another ten to twenty agents via snail mail and see what happens. If I get no bites by the end of May, I think I may try editors and publishers next. I wanted to do right by Lucky and get an agent so I could get my books in with a big publisher. It’s been almost five months since I started searching. Staying positive the whole time is very hard. I’m still seeing agented writers getting book deals for crappy books and it starts to piss me off. I read books by authors with 10, 20, 30 novels out…and they suck. I still don’t get it, but what else can I do? Nothing but watch Jenna Bush talk about her book, or hear that Miley Cyrus is getting millions of dollars for her memoirs? Are you fucking serious? She’s fifteen years old. I can bet you a million dollars that girl hasn’t been through half the crap I’ve been through in the first fifteen years of my life, let alone the rest of the people in this world. Ugh.

If I had time, I would go back and revisit some of my other finished works and try to get them into editors hands, but I know I’m writing better now than I was a couple of years ago. I was hoping for some good news yesterday, since it was my birthday and all, but once again, I was disappointed.

Bummer:

Not to be a negative nelly, but I’ve realized that through the majority of my adulthood thus far I’ve been disappointed and sad. So many things make me sad, sometimes I have to shut everything out or I’d fall into a major depression.

I don’t normally come off as a sad person, but I am. I’m sad watching/reading the news. I’m sad seeing people I care about being hurt or abused or used. I can feel utterly alone and sad sitting in a room of family and friends. Sure, my head is always in the clouds but my feet are firmly planted in mud. I have a great façade that not many people have seen behind. It’s not exactly fake, either, I’m happy-ish on the surface, it’s underneath that’s sad. It’s not depression because I know the difference, I’ve been depressed before. This is something that has been inside me for as long as I can remember.

I once thought it had to do with my weight. So, I lost 100lbs, nothing changed. Yes, I feel better, look better, and I’m healthier, happier? Nope, not really.

I know being in a relationship won’t guarantee happiness, so that’s never been an issue…though sometimes it does help the loneliness.

It’s not due to a lack of solid, trusting relationships. I have plenty of those with my family and friends.

My job doesn’t make me sad, in fact, I really like my job.

I’m not sure what it is anymore. Deep down, I’m just a sad person.

I tend to be the funny one in the group of my friends (unless my brother is there). I’m the listener, hardly the talker. I’m always the one people end up telling their life story to without even realizing it. I’m the one who gets caught in the middle and has to fix things. I’m the one who has to keep the peace. I’m the one who tends to take care of everyone, everything. I’ve been an enabler to all of these aspects of my personality, so I shouldn’t complain, but even the Mother Hen needs a break once in a while.

At this point in my life, I’m too independent for anyone to “take care” of me. I don’t expect someone to come in and sweep me off my feet and promise me emotional and financial support and security for the rest of my life. I’m not that naive. Still, giving up control for a little while and just…‘being’ sound really nice to me.

I know this will never happen for me. I will always take care of my family. I will always be responsible for myself. I will always make sure the people around me are happy, even if I’m not.

Perhaps my problem is wanting too much, and I don’t mean material things. I could tell you my hopes and dreams for this planet, country, or even my little corner of the world, but that would take forever. The things I want for myself have always seemed way too far out of reach.

I’ve tried to stop “trying so hard” to make things happen. I’ve also tried to let “things happen”. I’ve tried to generate my own luck by being positive and proactive. I’ve tried to make myself happy by buying things, not buying things, buying things for other people. I always offer my ear, or shoulder. I’ve taken time to focus on myself and make sure I’m healthy and stable. I keep tabs on everyone to make sure they are okay. Even when I’m in the foulest mood, I try to be nice. I reach out. I make an effort. I care, sometimes too much. I always try to have a smile on my face and make people feel comfortable. I’m polite. I’m open-minded. I’m honest. I consider myself a good person.

I have great friends and a few specials ones that are 'shoulders' for me. I have a family whom I love and get along with wonderfully. I have a great job. I have some money in the bank. I have a crappy car, but it’s mine. I have a roof over my head.

I know how fortunate I am. I know there are people in the world who would be ecstatic to have a bit of what I have in my life. With all that I have…how can I not be happy? It doesn’t make sense to me.

And when I feel like this, I usually write. I’m not writing, again. Luckily, there is a NJRWA meeting/event thingy tomorrow and I’m going! Woot. At this point, I’m a sponge. I shall use those listening skills thrust upon me in high school and absorb every thing I can. Heheh.

I’m doing great with my trainer. Definitely one of the smartest things I’ve done in a while. I have a goal in mind, toward the end of the year. We’ll see how well I do....