Writing

I re-wrote my prologue, cut it down from five or six pages to a page and a bit. *sigh* I kept it simple but utilized the majority of the plot points I want/need to make the story work. Normally I love surprises in books, movies, tv shows...etc, but this one plot piece I don't want to be a surprise because people will just roll their eyes and groan like it was some stupid idea just thrown in to make the story more interesting. I don't want that to happen, so I kept it in. I hope it works. *shrug*

I have to right another prologue for the beginning of book two. "Shadowy figures plotting" that's the premise I have to work with. Bleh. How do you make THAT work without it going to cheese?

I had this whole long post ready to go last night, but I didn't submit it. I'll just post part of it and keep the other part to myself for now. I'm sure everyone's tired of political rants.

I’m the first-born, big sister and for a time was the only girl. (I’m still the only girl for my mom.) My father calls me kiddo. My mother calls me baby girl. Family calls me Jennifer. Most of my friends call me Jenn. I have a friend that calls me kiddo despite the fact that I’m three years older than him. An old client/friend of mine calls me cookie. Some online people call me Jenna, which is cool, but it’s not really me. One of my best friends calls me Jenn-E-Jenn. NOT to be mistaken for Jenny. No one calls me Jenny. Mostly because I had a friend named Jenny when I was younger. I was Jen back then she was Jenny. It was just easier that way. I never saw myself as a Jenny and I’ve only let two people my whole life call me that in the past. I have an online friend who calls me 867-5309. (>.<) No one has ever called me J-Ni thank goodness, nor do I have any other nicknames like J-Ditty or anything such thing. I wish I did, though. That would be fun.

Once, I was at my father’s company picnic and I taking pictures left and right. Someone called me Flash. I thought that was great. I’ve always wanted a nickname. It stuck for the rest of the day, and then it was gone. I wanted to be Julie when I was a kid. Samantha when I was a started high school. Anything to not be plain old boring Jennifer. That was when Jen became Jenn. I just needed something to separate myself from all the other gazillion Jennifers who were around my age, but even then Jenn didn’t do much but confuse people. It took my mother years to finally tack on that extra N, and still not all of my family does it. *Sigh* Ah well. Doesn’t really matter anyway because I’m not the only double N Jenn. Oh, maybe I should call myself that “Double N Jenn”

I give out nicknames to people I like. My brother has three or four, my sister has three, my friends each have at least one, and even my pets have had nicknames. What’s my point? I’m not really sure. I read Stargirl and got to thinking, if I could change my name on a whim would I be able to? Stargirl’s real name was Susan, but she changed her name when the mood struck her. I thought that was a great concept. I’ve been me for thirty-two years now and I wonder what names I may have given myself over the years had I been like Stargirl. I’ve even thought about calling myself Tiva because it’s an awesome name (even though I thought I made it up and it turns out that I didn’t because it’s a Hopi Indian name that means dance…), but I’d be doing a disservice to the character I created by naming myself after her. I can only hope that people will love the name so much that 2007-2009 there will be a surge of Tiva girls born and named around the world! Hehe!

One of these days I want my words to mean something to someone. Ever since I’ve stored coherent memories in my head, I’ve been the go to girl. All the people I’ve known over lengths of time have in one way or another come to me with their problems. Whether they just want to vent or are seeking some sort of solution, I’m the one people come to. I’ve always been great at giving advice, I’m not really sure why though. Maybe it’s because I observe and listen. I’ve learned that the less you ask the more people will tell you. I’ve had people tell me their entire life story over the phone after talking to them for ten minutes for the first time. No lie. I’ve actually done that once or twice. Imagine telling the most traumatic parts of your life to a complete stranger. Sounds weird, but it’s liberating in a very strange way. A stranger will give you untainted advice. They don’t know you personally. They only know what you’ve told them, and they will tell you what they think (if you let them) from a perspective way, way, way outside the box. I’ve done it myself and the results have been fascinating. I wouldn’t be surprised if my advice has saved a marriage. I’m very cautious when I give advice. I never make someone feel inept or take sides. I just give blunt advice in the kindest way I know how, without judgment, accusations, or personal involvement. Well, usually. With close friends it gets a little touchy, but that’s another rant. I should start an advice community. LOL That would be a riot.

I’d like to give some advice to the people in power around the world. I know they would never listen to me, but it’s just screaming to burst out of my head and I could easily put this in my diary, but it would do no good there. Maybe, just maybe, someone will read it and say…“You know what, this girl is right.” Hah, yeah I wish.

Bush says "shit" and that's news?

Why the hell do we care that the president said shit? What the fuck? He should be saying more than shit. You can say shit on regular cable now, what's the big fucking deal? Does this really deserve a section in the news?

I'm at work, refreshing CNN and BBC websites every so often to see what the "Breaking News" is...Olmert seems to be out for blood. I'm really conflicted in how I feel about that. Yes, terrorists are bad. Yes, they "started" this particular debacle by crossing the boarder, but Israel made it worse. Who is right? Who is wrong? I sure don't know. All I see is them one upping each other. Who suffers the most though? The innocent bystanders. The Lebanese who are stuck in the middle. The Israelis and the Palestinians who want nothing to do with more bombings and shootings and violence. The people who just want to go to work in the morning so they can feed and shelter their families. Do you actually go to work when you're country is being bombed? I can't imagine sitting here in an office doing payroll if there was bombing going on in a city nearby. I try to imagine what it would be like, I can feel my skin crawl and tingles run up my spine, but I'll never really understand unless I'm in the midst of it.

My friend, formerly know as ex-roomie and I were talking about this a bit and I said to him, "If we go to war, I'm joining the army." I, of course, had to clarify this because what I really meant was that if shit starts happening here, I'm going Red Dawn. Granted I would probably just wind up helping out in triage or something like that. No one in his or her right mind would give me a machine gun. I'd turn into Rambette. Because there is no well in hell I would just go about my normal life if shit like that started happening here. Roomie asked if I really believed it was going to happen here. I said yes...to an extent and in some form. I could list a hundred reasons why I think this but that's just too depressing.

This whole week has been depressing and sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who knows it's happening. People just go about their day like nothing is going on outside. They talk nonsense about bullshit topics. They moan and cry because it's too hot. They blare their horns and music because they're in a rush to get somewhere they believe is important. I’m afraid to ask them if they’ve been watching the news because if they say no, I’d have to contain myself from slapping them or shaking them and saying, “Don’t you know what’s going on out there!!??!!”

*Sigh*

I went for a smoke break earlier. I saw a butterfly. I watched it for a while, curious as to where it would go. It floated high above my head then fluttered over a patch of trees before I lost sight of it. I was sad for a moment because I wished it were me flying away. I wished I could live an instinctual existence with no concern for things beyond the scope of survival. No thoughts. No worries. No choices. Just living free.

Someone needs to yell, "STOP!" right now before it's too late. As it is, this democratic engine that some people want to enforce (or as some say liberate) upon other countries had now been turned against us. Via "democratic elections" both Hamas and Hezbollah are political parties with ties to government. How insane is that? It boggles my mind that the one thing we pride ourselves on being--a democratic society--is now a weapon against other people. Granted both Hamas and Hezbollah look out for their own people and they were elected, but that doesn't mean they are just in their cause. Ah Democracy, the political system of swiss cheese.

Is it the end of the world? I wonder how many people were in church yesterday praying for salvation. If you follow the bible, we've had plenty of "signs" already. Famine, disease, great natural disasters, wasn't there even a bunch of dolphins ashore earlier this year? I'm not sure I believe in prophecies, but I will say that someone knew that war over religion, land, power, and profit wasn't going to end in their time. They knew it was just going to get worse. It has exponentially. Will it ever end? Will we end up the butt of our own Hollywood jokes? I hope not, but the hope of one girl does no good in this world.


*
I read a book called Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. He wrote the Maniac Magee book that I loved. This one was just as awesome. I highly recommend it to anyone who loves to read, is in high school, or is a little bit lost in their life. It'll make you feel better.

*Sigh*

I feel it creeping up behind me. The fear sets in as my mind imagines a thousand spiders, large and small fighting their way over my shoelaces. They squirm over and under my pants. I attempt to shake and scream, but I’m paralyzed like some loser stuck in a box on Fear Factor. There is no way out. Tiny legs prickle my skin, some slow others fast. I can’t stop the sensation as it rises higher. Dread and paranoia consume me. I know they aren’t going to stop climbing. They’re in a never-ending battle to drive me to the brink of madness. My muscles tighten; I clench my jaw and close my eyes. Maybe it’s all a dream…a nightmare stripped from my mind and forced into reality. But the truth is, there are no spiders. It is the only way I can describe the feelings I get thinking about what’s going on in the world today. The cynic in me thinks the worst, WWIII is coming, how could it not? Very few generations have been safe from a large-scale war, why should we be any different. I don’t believe we are, we’re on the cusp of something major and I fear what and when. We haven’t changed. We haven’t learned from the past. People still want power, money, and control. Nothing is ever enough—people must have more. People will continue to want more until there is nothing left to have.

Perhaps I watch too much news. I know I've said it many times before. Though I don’t remember so many things happening at the same time around the world like this before…maybe I was just too young then. We have North Korea playing bad ass and Venezuela who wants to be picked next for the team. Many Mid-East countries/groups want to do harm to Israel—but don’t fuck with the Jews because they’ve had enough of this shit over the last thousands years and they can fight back now, and they are. Iraq of course will take another ten years; Afghanistan is maybe another five if we’re lucky. But don’t forget about Iran, Somalia, or the Congo’s internal power struggles. How about India and Pakistan who have been fighting over Kashmir for years and have no intentions of giving up. Bombings, religious killings, sectarian violence, kidnappings, executions, it never seems to end. Men, women, and children dying by the hundreds of thousands, it’s sickening to think we’re still doing this to our own brothers and sisters in the 21st century.

What about us though? Aren’t we supposed to be the guardians of the free world? Well, our forces are stretched so thin right now that if anything happens where we have/need to get involved, we’re fucked. We’ll be forced to draft. This country can’t afford to send any John or Jane Doe out to war. We need to be selective; we’ve seen what happens when we’re not.

What will happen at G8 when country leaders are gathered together talking about the state of the world? I shudder at the thought. Will they get anything done? Will someone take advantage of the situation and launch an attack? Will any of it ever matter?

I know I’m not the most well informed person out there and I never claim to be, but in the last few years I made a choice to know what’s going on, though I’m still not sure why. I always claim to live in my head, to prefer fiction over reality. While most times that’s still true, I can never truly cast aside current events in the world, because, after all, I am connected.

We’re all connected.

We are all flesh and blood. We are all the same with minor differences. We are all born, we breathe, if we’re lucky we grow old and we die. Many of us are given back to Mother Earth through scattered ashes or boxed up six feet under. Some of us are lost and never found. But you cannot escape from the truth for too long. You can try and hide from it, ignore it, or even deny it, but eventually you will open your eyes and the truth will be there staring back at you with blood on its hands. Isn’t it time to wash the blood off and heal the wounds?

I never understood the movie Red Dawn when I was a kid. It wasn’t until years later that I watched it again and thought “Oh…I get it now!” What would this country be like if another war tore through our land? The last time we actually went to war on our own soil was in the late 1800’s. That’s a long time to be free of war. People in other countries haven’t had a week without war their entire lives…

Would we be strong and stand up and fight? Would I? With the technology and power the world possesses, is it possible to even survive? “Fight them there so we don’t have to fight them here.” That’s a Bushism. It makes sense, I guess, but there will come a time when ‘they’ will get tired of ‘us’ destroying their land and hit us again. Are we really ready? Do we want to be ready to go to war again? I sure as hell don’t. War is fine for history and the movies; we shouldn’t be fighting anymore!

If I prayed, I would pray for the world. I would pray for the safety of the children. I would pray for wisdom for the leaders of this planet. I would pray for compassion and hope. Well, I don’t pray. Simply because I feel that if there were this mystical creature everyone calls God, he/she/it would be pretty pissed off at us for fighting over he/she/it, land, power, and whatever else, for no good reason and wouldn’t answer my prayer anyway. If there were a God he/she/it would probably have wiped us all out with a natural disaster and started all over again, because I wouldn’t want to be considered the father/creator/maker of this human race. I don’t think I’m any more enlightened than anyone else, and yes, the world is full of wonderful, upstanding people, but from what I see, read and hear is enough to make me weep for our future. I just hope we have one.

Back on the wagon

I had a dream where I was stuck in a bathroom stall. No, the door wasn't locked--I was physically stuck. It was small, with wooden doors, and I had to twist and push and pull myself into a position on the floor before I could slide out. This is actually a recurring theme with me, getting stuck in places because I'm too big either weight wise or height wise. Very strange...Though it does replace the other themed dream I used to have. Paper, pens, books, rulers...etc...flying around the room trying to attack me. *Shakes head*

I bought seven movies for $40.00 yesterday at Blockbuster. Not many places you can get semi-new movies for five bucks! The first one I watched was The Producers. It wasn't as funny as the musical itself--which I found odd, but it was worth it just to see Wil Farrell he was hilarious! Uma did a good Ulla too. LOL

The rest of the movies and why I bought them:

Hitchhikers Guide-Had to have it, great movie!

Bridget Jones 2-I like the first one.

Suspect Zero- It sounds cool.

Fantastic Four- Jessica Alba is in it, and I already own Daredevil, which was just as bad.

Chicken Little- It's Disney, I have every Disney DVD. (Original movies not sequels)

Hotel Rwanda- I've heard very good things about this one.

Next weekend I'll probably go out and buy some new-new movies when I get paid.

I really need to get back to writing. I gave myself a week off after my last class, but it's been more than that already. I guess I'm not sure I want to work on the piece I outlined because it seems like so much work...and I still don't have a name for the main character. That bums me out. I’ll get over it though. I had fun at the write_away challenge, I just need more motivation. I know I shouldn't need pushing or motivating, but sometimes I do. But it's not easy when you live alone, and not many people really care if you're writing or not.

I should go out and do something.

I should clean my house.

I should finish reading the book I'm currently working on.

I should write something...

I should join the Peace Corps.

I probably won't do any of that. I'll just loaf around the house maybe watch another movie or two, get something to eat, play my game later tonight, watch the news or cartoon network and go to bed. Such an exciting life I lead.

I'll just sit here and wait for tomorrow to come so I can go back to the grind and work for the man. You know people always say they'd go back in time and do it all over again if they could, and I've often said I would never be the type of person to say that. "What if" can take up a whole day if you wonder about it too much. I know that where I am right now is mostly my own doing. I know I could have had it easier, but then again I know it could have been worse. Much worse. So I try not to "what if" and just go with what I have. I've been trying very hard not to let things effect me like they did when I was younger. It seems to be working, but then again I think I'm so numb that nothing would bother me anymore. There's no reason to dwell on what you can't change. You can accept it and support it, but if you can’t change it--well, you can’t change it. One shouldn't get their panties in a bunch over troubles with love, money, family, or friends because it's not the end all be all of life.

Sure, just like everyone else, I've been hurt, scarred, beaten down--figuratively and literally--over the years but my heart and mind are so use the disappointment that I expect it now. Cynical and pessimistic, yes. A way of shielding oneself? Yes, probably. But there are only two guarantees in life, growing old and dying. As for everything else, I don't get my hopes up anymore. It's fun to dream and wonder what might be. It's nice to talk about what I would do if I could write for a living, make some good money at it, and take care of the people I love, but in reality it may never happen. It would be nice to find my match in a guy. Someone who’ll really ‘get me’. Again, that may never happen. It would be nice to have friends and family with no angst or drama. Yeah, right, like that would ever happen. Life is drama. Does that mean I'll give up? Nope, not in this lifetime--because I only have one. I'll keep going. I'll be optimistic once in a while. I'll keep dreaming. I'll work hard. I’ll try. I’ll be there. And no matter where I end up, I'll still have a smile on my face because at least I know that I did the best I could, changed those aspects of life that I was able, and accepted what I can’t.

Brian

On June 15th my brother would have been 25 years old. June 16th my sister turned 21. He was three years old when he died, and my sister was born the following year, the day after his birthday.

They were 11 months from meeting each other.This is Brian dressed up for the Halloween before he died. This costume fit him perfectly; he was a little troublemaker just like Bam Bam.


I've previously written about what happened when my brother died. http://jennafern.livejournal.com/58205.html Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that it actually happened that way, but it did, and I can still see it in my head clear as day.

So, I went to visit Brian and left behind a little stuffed dog on his Teddy Bear gravestone. My mother has, in the past, asked me to buy balloons saying Happy Birthday or something with He-Man or another one of the favorite characters he liked. I did, because she wanted me to, but for some reason...I just don't like doing that. I guess I don’t think of it as a “Happy” birthday anymore. It just feels wrong. Flowers are fine, little toys or other fun things are okay too. Balloons just don't feel right to me. I brushed off the deposits left behind by feathered friends, brushed some of the crappy grass away from his plot, and then looked for a four-leaf clover in the small patch that sprung out nearby. I didn’t find one.

My bro called me while I was there, but I didn't tell him where I was. I had a feeling if I did it would just distract him while he was working. After I hung up, I whispered, "I miss you," and felt tears welling up in my eyes as I walked away. They didn't fall though; I would have liked it if they did. It's been a while since I've cried. Oh, I've cried plenty about loosing Brian over the years, it does get easier. It becomes a dull pain after a while but it never goes away. I know somehow it's made me a stronger person.

Bro told me he brought flowers and took his girlfriend there for the first time. He also said it was the first time he's been there since moving back to NJ. Six years I think. I asked him if he cried. He said yes. I said good, I'm glad you did, then I kissed his shoulder and rubbed his back. But I am glad he cried. I was ten and bro was seven. It’s definitely not easy to lose a sibling at such a young age. Not to say losing a sibling at any age is easy, but I think it has more of an impact when you're young because you don't fully understand it and sadly, as a kid you are overshadowed by the tragedy. I remember my family being supportive and talking with us. I think we went to counseling afterwards, but I always worried about my bro more than myself, because Brian was his best friend. I know it's hurt him much more than it has me because he was younger and they were brothers. There's a different bond between a brother and a sister and brothers. It's just different.

There have been weird times in my life when I'd be thinking about Brian and one of his songs would come on the radio. Those songs are "Rosanna" by Toto, "I Love Rock and Roll" by Joan Jett, and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cindi Lauper. Yeah, that usually freaked me out, and my mother would always tell me it's because he's watching over us. I was really hoping one of those songs would have come on the radio as I drove away, but it didn't. I thought about calling the radio station and have them play it, but I knew it wouldn’t make me feel any better, so I decided not too.

I have a feeling he'd be just like my other brother and I. He'd be totally stoked about the Transformers movie and would have the entire He-Man collection on DVD. I'd like to think he'd share other similar interests. I still wonder what he'd look like. One year, I was going to find a place to do one of those age progression things like they do for missing kids. I thought maybe my mother would like that, but after more thought, it probably would be too painful so I never went through with it.

I'm still glad I had him in my life for three years. He gave us a plethora of great stories to tell and remember him by. I still carry some deep painful secrets about him; one of which I'm not even sure the participant remembers, but I do, and I've never brought it up because I know it would just be horrific if I did. So, I keep it with me, knowing I'll probably never tell anyone and keep it in the back of my head until I'm dead and gone.

Still, I have my sister. Though we're not quite as close as I thought we'd be as we got older, I love her and know she loves me. She's a great chick and I'm lucky and glad that I have her in my life. Having her around when I was a teenager was definitely an experience. When she was three years old, I watched her like a hawk. I was so protective of her it wasn't even funny. I was like some mad paranoid 14 year old, watching every single thing she did when she was around. Honestly, I'm still like that with little kids, almost to the point of annoying the shit out of the kids parents because I'm like..."Close that thing, what about the kids," "What are the kids doing?" "You shouldn't have this thing hanging out here, what about the kids" "Have you seen so and so" (after they've been gone for like two minutes). I was the same way with my nephew, still am sometimes. I'd take him to the movies when he was 9 or 10 and he'd have to go to the bathroom and wanted to go alone and I was like "Hell No" and stood outside waiting for him. Maybe that means I'll be a good parent one day, I'm not sure, but I can't help being paranoid and cynical when it comes to kids. I watch too much TV and know there are way to many sicko people out there.

More June birthday's are coming up after Father's day, Mom #2 and one of my very close friends who I kinda consider Mom #3. This is the month I loathe because I always wind up broke by the end of it. Bleh.