Fuck you, life.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I began making changes in my life so that things would get better. I lost some weight, did a ton of writing, went back to school and actually got a degree, changed jobs and what do I have to show for it...a dwindling savings account and a frightening realization that I make a horrible adult.

I got fired twice in one year. Gained back some of the weight I lost. I do have a degree, but it's crap at best. And of all places, Harlequin turned me down.

This is why I'm a cynical bitch. I always wanted to believe in fairy tales or happy endings. As a child of the 80's and the beginning of the VCR generation, watching those fucking Disney movies always had a way of making my heart swell with joy seeing everyone get what they deserved in the end (which was actually the beginning of something "wonderful and new" for them in actuality).

For me though, there is no happy ending. I must be cursed. Maybe I did something horrible in a past life.

Sure, I know people who've had it far worse than I can even comprehend, but it's not like I haven't worked my ass off over the years trying to be a contributing member of society. I started working at 14 years old. At times, I've had two jobs just to pay the bills. I've never committed any serious crimes. (I was a teenage shoplifter for a while.) I've never taken advantage of anyone. I've always tried to look out for my friends and family despite any past tension there might have been, and there were plenty. I've given and given and given and given. And even now, I'm still waiting for that "comes around" part.

I've always hoped I would be one of those people who would actually catch a break. Ha! Cynical bitch gets nothing.

I read a few books this week Star Doc two and three (each in a day because I just couldn't seem to do anything else) and Hard Rain (Great character, I'll be buying more...one of these days) and watched High School Musical (cheesy cute), Silent Hill (did the game justice until the end...what was that about?), The Sentinel (Jack Bauer in a suit, but it was decent), and spent a lot of time in bed because well the weather changed again so that means I got sick, like normal.

I've sent out about twenty resumes and the two places I interviewed at last week don't want me. I guess I don't blame them. Maybe they saw though my fake smiles and lies. "Yes, I love doing payroll!" Yeah, just like I enjoy hot nails in my eye sockets.

A friend of mine said I need a change. O.o What? After all the changes I've made...to land me in this hell of an existence I'm currently living, why the fuck would I want to make another change?

Though, selling off everything I own and disappearing like Jack Reacher is starting to sound like a good idea.

Friday

Yet another unproductive week, well sorta.

I restarted Kingdom Hearts 2, I just finished Aladdin’s world. I'm kicking ass though (it is an easy game), and love the kamikaze-ness of the game play. I don't hate this Action-RPG, so I hope the new Final Fantasy games are a bit like this. The fact they are changing to action from turn based is upsetting, but what can I do? Roomie started Dead Rising on 360. I loved the beginning; I took pictures! Which made me think of a fun idea for another game: War Correspondent. Imagine you're a photographer during a war...the game could take you to different wars of the past and you could take pictures. Ultimate goal would be the Nobel. Heh.

We watched V for Vendetta last night. I like it. I was hoping Portman would kick a little ass, but guess it just wasn't that type of story. I found it quite interesting how it about technically about England but seemed so fitting for America.

The non-stop coverage in the Mid-East has finally been over shadowed by a plot to blow up more planes. Every time a plot is thwarted, this cynic wonders if it was real or wagging the dog, ya know? The US is getting closer to November, gotta keep the people scared so they vote republican. Roomie thinks the gay community should start the Pink Party. I told him calling it pink would just feed into the gay stereotype, but he figures it would eventually be called something "cutesy" so why not just start off with it? Maybe he's right. I'd probably vote pink.

Hmm, what else. Josh Blue won Last Comic! He was great, I'm very happy that he won, he deserved it. SYTYCD is ending next week. I have a feeling Benji's going to take it. Kiefer is on the cover of TV Guide. How the hell did Hasslehoff get back on television?

I'm having trouble with my back cover blurb for Tiva. I have this...but it doesn't seem to have enough punch. *Sigh* I dunno, I'll keep working on it. I have to do acknowledgements too.

I'm still trying to come up with an idea for a horror story. The guidelines make it so that it has to be realistic, but the majority of the horror I've read and watched all have some other worldly ties. I have a general plot but I'm not really sure how to make it 'horror' when writing it. We'll see how it turns out.

I haven't written anything new except pieces for a community writing challenge. I'm sure I'll be eliminated soon because I don't really know anyone and most seem to be voting for people they know. They should make it anonymous, but I doubt that'll happen. *shrug*

I finished reading Rain Fall I like it. He definitely made me feel like I was in Japan. I love the character, I'm looking forward to learning more about him. I just started reading one of the books I won from Paperback Writer the first of her Science Fiction Medial thingy StarDoc and I have to say it's very interesting. She created her own slang, lots of cool words to describe the normal science fiction toys that one would think to be real in the future, (like sexdrone...lol) so it's making for a fun read so far. The next book in the Vampire Romance I've been reading comes out in September. I'm looking forward to it.

After I'm done reading it, I'll probably email the chick back and thank her again for the books and maybe get a new 'contact' in the author world.

I drove past my old house today. It still looks the same. The house next door was resided, it looks pretty next to my old house.

I still haven't heard back from Harlequin about my little Romance novel. I'm not sure if it's such a good sign anymore.

If Tiva does well when it comes out, I'll probably shop for an agent...maybe.

I keep getting spam comments on this place. That's really annoying me. Not to mention I'm still noobish at this place. I don't even know if there is a way to link to other people's blogs. Ah well...

I'm not going to go off on a political rant today, I'll be a good girl.

I have an interview on Tuesday.

I've been doing some searching for places to advertise when Tiva comes out. Mostly Science Fiction based web sites. I checked with MySpace and they have a min of 4K for their advertising budget. Yeah, don't think I'll be doing anything there. Geeze, no wonder why they are a free site.

Though I tried

...I still feel like I wasted the week. I finished part one of Tiva and began editing part two. I'm working on the back cover and acknowledgement. I just want to see the cover! The art director wanted to do it himself. I hope that's good.

I saw Superman Returns and Clerks 2 this week. Superman was eh, the kid did sound like Reeve, but there were too many weirdo things that lacked explanation. Clerks was funny, not hilarious but I chuckled, a lot. That's all I was really expecting so I wasn't let down. Next is Miami Vice and Scoop probably. We'll see, so many free movies to choose from! ^.^

I just watched Ong-Bak with roomie and brother, we were silly. People from China, Chinese. Japan, Japanese, Thailand...Thailandish...no, Thailandese...er Thailandian...Thaiish. I know I know, just Thai. Like I said, were being silly. It was a great movie, the fights were great, we laughed and owww'd our asses off.

Watching shit like that only forces me to wonder how to write it down for a book. I do this often when watching movies nowadays. I see a little scene and try to imagine what I would write to convey it. Once, we were watching some movie and I started reciting the scene as if it were in a book. You definitely see more when you watch a movie or TV show, but when writing, you can't give every detail or you'll bore the audience. I'm still learning to find that balance.

My brother's girlfriend is starting up her own business, she said I could come up with a logo! Whee, that should be fun. It won't be anything fancy, but I don't mind helping out. It'll give me something to do.

I made a community for Tiva. I'm not sure why or if I'll ever use it, but once I get it looking right with all the info maybe I'll get lucky when the book comes out. Can't hurt to dream right?